I have always been overweight. I don't remember a time when I had a healthy relationship with food. From my mother's yo-yo dieting and binges of a huge multipack of crisps on a Sunday afternoon watching the Eastenders omnibus to my father taking multipacks of chocolate bars with him when he went fishing to "control his diabetes". My brother is thin but that's just the way he has always been whereas everyone else? Overweight or obese, for sure. So my relationship with food has never been particularly brilliant and I've always used eating as an emotional reprieve from depression, boredom or stress. Coming to terms with the fact that I now have to see it as food is difficult.
So, I am 5ft9in with size 9 wide fit feet, a 38D bust and a solid size 20 all over. I don't look healthy, I don't feel healthy and I need it all to change. I want to lose weight to fit into size 12 clothes and size 8/9 shoes again. I want to feel solid but healthy with less of a stomach and more confidence to bare my arms in sleeveless tops. I want to be able to buy the fashionable clothes and not have to pay more for extra material in other shops. I want to look good in slim fit jeans and heels.
So, I start. Slowly, at first because God knows I don't have the stamina to go all out with workout DVD's and the gym five days a week. I can't afford pre-planned and delivered diets and I'm not good without my morning coffee with two sugars. So:
You see, I'm not really a big eater. I eat one meal a day which is usually something carb based like pasta. Today I had two tablespoons of homemade mashed potato with mashed vegetables. I do snack on a chocolate bar once a week (a big one, not a little one) and make our own kebabs with Turkish bread bought from the kebab shop over the road. I won't miss eating itself but I'll miss what I eat, if you get me?
This is not a diet. This is a lifestyle change. If I don't eat better and move more I will end up like one of those people on Fat Families and I want to set a good example for my children, whatever my weight. I want to be healthy and happy and I know my health nor happiness is benefitting from being obese. I don't like BMI's as there's far too many things wrong with them but whether that scale tells me I'm obese is irrelevant. I don't disbelieve it. I am not happy.