Insecurities they fade away they say, but they never do.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Insecurity - lack of confidence and assurance; self-doubt.

It's something we have all experienced at some point or another. When you let go of your mother's hand for the first time or when we look into the mirror and see a feature that's incredibly prominent to us. We all have something. We all have somethings.

I've struggled with everything from the size of my nose, the size of my chin, the number on the scales and the feeling that everyone in my life will leave me. I overcompensated because I needed to; hiding behind the bravado and self-deprecation was someone who was completely insecure. It hasn't ever gone away and I don't think it ever will but it becomes a burden to bear. It takes on a life of it's own and if you don't reign it in, cordon it, control it and manage it, it will take over you. By control and manage I don't mean work through all of your issues and 'let them go' because I'm not fooling anybody. It's difficult to do and for me, I've found, impossible.

I focus on the good. I focus on the fact that my lips get compliments and my nose goes overlooked for the most part. I focus on the fact that while I might be fat I have never had a dull love life, before or after my children came on the scene. I focus on good camera angles, soft lighting, a good skincare routine, a good sense of humour and not being afraid to feign that confidence. I still perfect that self-deprecating routine once in a while in case I need to pull it out of the bag. These are not cures, they are techniques. I cordon my insecurity and once in a while, I let it out. I let it run around unbridled for a few minutes, hours - but you lock it back up. You compartmentalise it until and you speak of it to no-one. Unless you want to, of course.

Deep rooted insecurities like people leaving, your image, your weight - I promise they won't ever go away fully. The problem may be cured but the issue will have remained. You will always be the person who had those insecurities, who faced these issues and it changes you. You will never know what it's like for someone not to have gone through this but if you stick with it, help yourself as much as you can, focus on the positive, allow the negative out once in a while and if you never give up on yourself? You may surprise yourself.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle - John Watson (Ian MacLaren)

2 comments:

  1. i agree that these issues will always be a part of our history and 'life story' but i pleeeease urge you to try to somehow face your insecurities and learn to love the things you were once insecure about. i struggle with this, most people do, but one of the things i have found as a daughter is my constant wish that my mum would love herself - she always tells me to be confident because im "beautiful" but as any daughter says my reply is "but you have to say that, youre my mum".. i think if she was confident in herself and loved herself i would be able to believe i could love myself too.
    im not sure if that made any sense...i hope it did! really love all your posts but this one in particular is nice as it is very personal and honest, thank you for sharing that with us :) from the pictures ive seen of you on your blog i dont think you have any reason to be insecure, but i know lots of people say that and it is hard to listen to and agree with! but i wanted to say it anyway because i think it is true ;)
    nicola xxx

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    1. I don't think I could ever love my flaws but I definitely accept them and live with them. They don't taunt me as much as they used to as I let them out from time to time and don't let them eat away at me.

      xo

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