I've been tweeting quite a lot in the past few days and I'm sorry to say they haven't been the most upbeat or friendly tweets I've ever sent. I'm going through a difficult time right now and I seem to take it out in 140 characters more than I probably should. You see, now I have to be careful what I say on social media platforms as the company I work for (for obvious reasons) don't want to be associated with negativity but I am not associating my working life with my personal life. On my personal twitter account I am free to behave as I will, write down my thoughts and that will not change. I have no negativity toward the company to write, regardless.
So I started work Monday morning and by Tuesday two year old Amelia had come down with a nasty case of chicken pox. Being a mother I wanted to be there for her as much as I could but it didn't happen as planned. Luckily boyfriend was home to look after her but if she's still like this by next Wednesday we are in a distinct bind. While the doctor's recommendation was to be away from nursery due to contagion for seven days, if she doesn't go back by Wednesday for any reason I will have to miss work or boyfriend will miss his final exam. It is a bind but I am working on hope alone.
At home there have been several dilemmas involving family, deaths of people close to me and a lot of negativity for seemingly no reason whatsoever. It falls on my shoulders to carry this responsibility and to make the hard choices - the choice between work and a funeral, the choice between work and working on things, the choice between professionalism and breaking down into tears thanks to four days of an hour a night sleep. I may as well walk into work on Monday with a badge saying 'Emotionally Compromised'. While it doesn't affect the volume or quality of work that I do it does affect my professionalism which I am already adjusting to and my team members. It can't work like this, not now, not ever. However in every situation I have chosen to work and that has made me think of my the mythological 'work/life balance'.
I am wary of a phrase that was constructed for women. I am wary that this phrase is being used so often that people, especially women, think this is attainable. It isn't. There is no work/life balance. It is work and life and sometimes one towers over the other threatening to topple at any given moment. Sometimes they are in sync. A lot of the time they aren't. We choose our careers over the needs of ourselves and the needs of others and this may not be the best course of action but it is for the individual. We don't judge a man for working 6am - 9pm and rarely spending time with his family but why do we judge a woman? Why is it that women are brought up as someone missing their family and wanting to be home but the man feels no need to admit his own thoughts on the subject, opposing or not?
I am finding it difficult to adjust but I will adjust. I will bow to no-one but respect everyone. I will listen but have my own thoughts that are usually unwavering. I will do what I have to do and only more when it is of benefit to myself. I will shut my mouth when the opportunity allows but I am still me.
I will continue to be dynamic, passionate, thoughtful, compassionate and outspoken. I will continue to be these things while finding a balance between that and professionalism. I will continue to be who I am, speak how I speak and adhere to what I adhere to. I am not above or below anyone, I am not worth less than anyone but I will continue to graft and create something of myself, even if someone finds it worthless; it is worth everything to me. I am putting my foot down and saying right now that it's all about me and if I can find a way to make that work for others, then so be it.
I am in a pit of self pity and I am clawing my way out because the life choices I have make and continue to make will not be dictated to me by family members, friends, acquaintances or the people beyond my personal circle of trust. People abuse their position of power and you find your trust has unwisely been placed - I don't trust well for this reason. These people are just people; I can take them on head to head and if something wise and grand comes of it that is just swell. Until then I shall graft, create, respect, love, value and soldier on.